Please have that second baby

I’m begging you

I know people hate this advice for lots of reasons, but whatever. I don’t. I think it’s great advice for everyone who is able to take it, and I will never apologize for getting on my soap box about it.

Having two kids (and more) is awesome, and it sounds way scarier than it is.

Most people embark on their journey into parenthood with a healthy dose of humility. They know there will be things about raising a baby that will challenge them or even hurt them, and they accept that as part of the deal. But not having had a baby before, they can’t truly know how intense and emotional and frustrating and strange the whole thing of a baby is—and when they get there, when they’re in the middle of that gauntlet of sleepless nights and endless diapers and being needed 24/7, they think “no way I can do twice as much of this.” Their self confidence actually drops from the level it was before the baby was born, because they feel their inadequacy so much more acutely now that it’s real and in their face.

So a little further down the road, when they think of having another child, all that they know of parenthood so far is this sense of running blind—not knowing what to do half the time and trying your very best but still somehow feeling like you aren’t getting anything right. And they project that inadequacy onto their future childbearing experiences.

But what they don’t know—what no one actually knows until they’ve had a second child—is that they have learned and grown so much through the process of starting out. And if they will give a second baby a chance, they will enter into that relationship with an entire toolkit of knowledge and experiences that they only have now because they’ve done it before.

You think you’ll feel just as floundering with the second baby as you did during those first few weeks, fumbling half asleep through midnight blowouts and walking around like a zombie in a stained shirt you’ve been wearing for days. But you won’t. The floundering comes from inexperience, not from the development stage itself. Even if the personalities of your two children are vastly different, there’s much more that their newborn days will have in common—experience you can draw from.

And beyond that, there’s a sense of perspective after raising one baby through the first year: This doesn’t last forever. They actually do grow and change. And you yourself are capable of exponential growth, because that’s how we were designed to operate.

I think about the intensity of the mother-child bond, how desperate it feels sometimes, especially with that first baby when they are your whole world, and it seems to me sometimes that it’s actually healthiest, if you are able, to have more than one child. We humans aren’t meant to live with all our energy focused on just one person. It can eat you up with anxiety to focus so intently on someone—not to mention, it must be a lot of pressure on a child to be the sole object of their parents’ parenting. I can say from experience that I have become, more and more, the kind of self-assured mom that I’ve always wanted to be, the more my multiple children have forced me to let go of trivialities in parenting.

If I had one kid, I’d be in control of way too high a percentage of that experience, and I wouldn’t be chill at all. I’m sure I’d be very annoying to hang out with.

Multiple children diffuse that energy. They refresh their parents and each other with their differences. They teach you when to let go, what to prioritize (how to triage, if you will). They allow you to recognize the grace in your life, the fact that your mistakes don’t need to define your future, but can actually enhance it.

If you are too afraid to do it all over again, let me tell you: you’re missing out. You’re missing out on seeing yourself rise to the occasion, and cope, and thrive—using all the knowledge you’ve accumulated through parenting your firstborn. You’re missing out on the mystery of feeling your heart expand to fully embrace another person, when you thought you’d reached your limit on love. Your child is missing out on one of the most meaningful relationships in life—siblings to share their childhood with.

Having multiple children is worth it. It absolutely is. If you’re able to choose, don’t withhold this gift from yourself just because you think you don’t have enough space, or you don’t have enough energy, or you don’t have enough money or time or whatever limitations you perceive. When you need to, you will create more space. You will spend your energy more wisely. You will reprioritize your resources and your time. You will begin to realize that none of those things matter as much as you once thought. And if you choose to receive it, you will be filled by the peace and blessing of God, who can more than amply provide wherever you fall short.

Richness in life comes from acknowledging, even embracing, challenges—seeing them as opportunities to receive God’s help. Do this and you will live joyfully, able to say “I don’t know how He does it, but He makes every instance of life richer. Even when I should be overwhelmed, somehow I have what I need.”

Of course there are challenges with a second baby, and there will be hurdles you’ve never faced before—but the perspective you have of getting through it with number one, watching your firstborn continue to hit milestones as your baby follows along behind, infuses the whole journey with hope. You may think you don’t have what you need to raise another baby, but you will. Paradoxically, I’ve found that the means to do hard things actually comes as you begin, and not before. A need can only be met once it exists.

So, have that second baby. And the third, and the fourth. You’ll only find yourself with more reasons to thank God, which is really the best thing we can learn in life.